One of my all-time favorite games, Ninja Gaiden Black, has a great subtextual narrative taking place throughout the game via gameplay progression, rather than the usual modern-day, AAA-approved bromides of endless cutscenes.
The main plot is that bad guys from the (fictional) rogue-fascist nation of Vigoor commit a massacre in a ninja village occupied by hero and Chuck Norris-level bad-ass ninja Ryu Hayabusa. Ryu retaliates by infiltrating Vigoor’s capital and, through the player’s (hopefully) skilled control, becomes a one-man apocalypse for Vigoor’s police state. At first, the player merely encounters Vigoor’s baton-and-Glock-waving secret police. When the decapitations fly, they are eventually replaced with Spetsnaz-style commando specialists. They too fail and by the time the climax approaches, Vigoor is swarming with absurdly-armored military goons astride tanks and APCs. There’s no Nifty Million-Dollar AAA-Approved Cutscene showing Vigoor’s leadership crapping themselves as they call in the entire military while the Ninjageddon continues, and that’s a good thing; your imagination does it for you, perhaps like me picturing a Vigoorian flack screaming into a phone “S-Send in everyone….YES, everyone, dammit!!”
Speaking of, that was exactly the Weasel Axis and friends last week: “S-Send in everyone!! Including the New York Times, the Washington Post, Deadspin, everyone! We’ll even take Vox!
“YES, I KNOW VOX CAN FUCK UP A CUP OF COFFEE! SEND THEM IN, ALL OF THEM, NOW!!!”
It was a quaintly nostalgic full-court media press, reminding me of the best (worst?) of the Main Scheme Media’s staggeringly shady and Orwellian moral panics/narrative control flimflams, such as the pimping of the Iraq War for war ratings before suddenly forgetting their own culpability when that war went bad. Or scheming and tanking for His Wholly-Mess President Barack Obama and then wondering later why he governs like an imperious and unaccountable cult figure. Or, arguably my personal favorite, the shameful McMartin witch hunt of the ’80, in where the media tried to railroad an entire innocent family to prison in exchange for ratings and a “narrative” of a ludicrous plague of Satanic child-molesting kindergarten teachers for, wait for it, yet more ratings, and when THAT, too, went bad, simply fucking off for the Next Moral Panic That Threatens Our Children And The Way of Life We Think You Should Be Having (that would be, wait for it, Mortal Kombat Hysteria of the early 90’s. Who knew making a dude explode into fifteen rib cages would create such panic.)
All of the above were carefully coordinated together by the journ0list class and their cronies, to maximize each others’ collective gain. Hell, during the McMartin Kangaroo Trial, media figures were often caught sleeping with witnesses and members of the prosecution; even Burgertime Quinn would balk at that, I hope. And so it was with the Weasel Axis’ hilariously stumbling planned gambit this week:
1. First a MIGHTY (fake) HASHTAG that pops up out of nowhere to ape #GamerGate’s success, sort of like GoBots to #GamerGate’s genuine Transformers. It goes nowhere, fakery usually doesn’t, but it doesn’t matter because suddenly next, as if to luckily capitalize on the social media attention…
2. …A conspicuous yet totally “organic” stream of articles appear, throughout the week, from Official Main Scheme Media Publications of Importance (though they aren’t important in the slightest; more on this later). The articles of course depict #GamerGate and gamers as an evil scourge, right up there with Satanic Kindergarten Teachers from Los Angeles, whom for some reason have no more time to game because they are too busy trying to eat the brains of Ineeda Shark and the rest of the Weasel Axis/Social Jerkstice Warbler clan (whatever brains there may be). The geniuses that brought you the Iraq War, Obummer, Wall Street Bailout Panic, Mortal Kombat is the Devil, and my favorite, SATANIC KINDERGARTEN TEACHERS FROM LOS ANGELES, now bring you the intolerant wrathful, Nazi/Skinhead/ISIS-like danger of…guys and girls that play Pokemon and WoW.
Fear of a Black… Videogame Controller.
It’s ridiculous, but the point is to teach any and all remotely close to #GamerGate a hard lesson as to whom really has the juice (though said juice is a cheap illusion; more on this later). And then…
3. …Here come’s three of #GamerGate’s main culprits, Polygoon, LameSpot, and the aptly-named GIANT BOMB, all of the sudden very conveniently all singing pleasing, soothing pleas, like the propagandist equivalent of Febreeze, for those not involved with “the mob” to simply drop the hashtag that is kicking their ass for weeks, in the name of ending this fabricated moral panic as innocently reported that very week by Official Main Scheme Media Publications of Importance.
The “opinions” are all pretty much clones of each other, all released at the same day and within hours of each other, proving that the cretinous Weasel Axis STILL hasn’t learned from the GameJournoPros/”Gamers Are Dead” scandal and are apparently as incontinent as Jeff Gerstmann’s bladder (more on this later). I mean, come on guys, the Upper Main Scheme Media gets that you have to spin this crap “organically”, so that you don’t sound like a bleating church choir.
The ideas behind all three are all laughably the same; all age-old, classic Main Scheme Media schemes:
1. #GamerGate is now “toxic” (largely because official propagandists said so), and you are informed (never to decide, simply informed) to either move on or become “toxic” too. There are five lights, you see.
2. The articles offer the #GamerGate-leaning proles friendly advice to avoid becoming “toxic”, which of course makes no sense since if #GamerGate is so “toxic”, why would the group that hated them enough to shriek they are “worse than ISIS” and “need to be broken on racks” suddenly so concerned for their public image? Didn’t this all stem from the REVERSE, in fact?
3. And, most important of all, it’s also a perversion of a classic advertising trick: Soft Sell/Hard Sell.
In ads, the “soft sell” is like, say, a website that tries to pique your interest towards any product with friendly nudging. Once you show interest in something, like say a towel, you get the “hard sell”, which means getting blitzed with non-stop ads about all sorts of towels.
With authoritarians, particularly of the media variety, this bit is backwards: the “hard sell” is the asswhupping you get; the “soft sell” is the concern trolling designed to ease you away from the pain.
All of the above tactics were a total failure, of course, as it completely misunderstands and libels #GamerGate, which, of course, is what created #GamerGate in the first place. It also does nothing to address the Weasel Axis’ main dilemma of watching advertisers head for the exits, or AAA majordomos furious that their continuing antagonistic bungling will now prolong #GamerGate into the vital holidays (especially vital this year for the industry). Or, for Christ’s sake, the fact that scandals are STILL EXPLODING within the Gaming Journ0list Class.
And yet, as often the case with authoritarianism, the attacks “worked” from a sheer destructive point of view. The massive onslaught was designed to crush spirits, making it believe you really are all alone as the rags “report” that you are not just to be reviled, you ARE reviled. The result was the temptation among a few, for a moment, to give in.
It’s all bullshit. For a bunch of douchebags obsessed with “harassment” (harassment that always seemed to be laughably afflicted with hazy facts), to be so ruthlessly smeared nationally really IS harassment.
It reminds me of a gruesome torture technique used in the Salem Witch Trials, on one Giles Corey. Accused of witchcraft, Giles told them to fuck off, and so they used a torture technique in where they pin him under a large plank and then stack heavy boulders on him slowly over the course of days, literally slowly crushing him to death one minute at a time.
Every time they tried to get Giles to confess, he’d just respond: “More weight”.
The Main Scheme Media, along with their fellow travelers in the Weasel Axis and Social Jerkstice Warblers, do the same trick; crush you with more and more weight until you finally confess to misogeeneye and white privileged or whatever bullshit.
Unlike Giles, however, this “weight” is pure bullshit. It doesn’t exist unless you believe it. It’s coming from institutions that are complete failures and will probably not last the decade.
This is like the Salem guys stacking Kleenex on a confused Giles. The only confusion would be: “Why the fuck are they calling this bullshit Kleenex “boulders”? Can I go home now?”
Before we rip apart the pathetic Main Scheme Media hard sell and Polygoon/LameSpot/GIANT CLOWN SHOES’ equally pathetic soft sell, let’s take a trip through history to explain why their bullshit, why they’ve always been bullshit, why they will always be bullshit. TL;DR, Lamepro and Doritos Pope, with a dash of Social Jerkstice, is the cornerstone of Modern Commercial Journolism from which this week’s attack comes from.
First, this simple truth: Commercial Journalism = Advertising.
I don’t just mean hawking ads and products a la Lamepro or Doritos Pope, or Polygoon’s Sims scandal. Under commercialized journalism, the articles, themselves, are ads. Under the veneer of “news” and “journ0lism”, they are designed to get your eyeballs, in hopes that said eyeballs will provide handy windows for the Real Advertising, whether it’s Products (which means $$$), or Propaganda (which means influence, which means a lot more than mere $$$).
This is why the Main Scheme Media goes out of its way to raze the industry/country/Planet Earth with horseshit and moral panics and invented threats like Satanic Kindergarten Teachers from Los Angeles and Gamers That Eat The Brains of Women For No Real Reason, and why cronyism and agenda-setting is seen as not a problem; it’s good, nay vital, for the ad business, er, “news”. And even better, the Main Scheme Media will helpfully explain This Brave New World they created after having razed the last one, with yet more cronyism, more agenda setting; strip mining reality itself for more self-serving b.s.
In America, this used to be already known; in the old days, Journ0lists (the “career” kind) used to be considered bottom feeders along with Politicians, Lawyers, and Used Car Salesmen; not evil or anything, just make sure to keep your grains of salt handy. Indeed, a Journolist is usually what happens when you combine a Politician with a Used Car Salesman (“You, too, can buy my b.s. NOW!”), with a block of Smug Douchebaggery from the Lawyer (“tried in the ‘court’ of public opinion”, as they say). The words then were things like “sensationalist”, “muckraker”, simply “reporter” (and his cousin the “paparazzo”), and the horrifically obnoxious “yellow journalist” such as Joseph Pulitzer who, along with William Randolf Hearst, tried to cash-in on war and spent his later days lamenting his “yellow sins”.
But then a string of 20th-century calamities like world wars and holocausts and depressions and social upheavals spurred people into trusting authoritarians to keep them safe. The press elite would not only join those authoritarians, they became Top Authoritarian Dog, and the result was people slavishly taking dictum from elitist talking heads like St. Walter of Cronkite, literally billed “The Most Trusted Man in America”, whom would intone after each broadcast “And That’s The Way It Is”, a sort-of folksier version of “Do Not Question”.
The reality, of course, is that St. Walter was no saint, especially as noted by this blistering biography from Douglas Brinkley. Cronkite is described as someone who “could almost dictate anything he wanted”, and among other things, had crony sweetheart deals with corporations like Pan Am and spurring Robert Kennedy to run for president before then “breaking the news” during an “interview”. RFK was Product; Pan Am an Investor; Cronkite a Business and Brand.
Yet thanks to the Main Scheme Media the
myth bullshit endured and St. Walter was “The Way It Is”, when the truth, which ostensibly was his stock and trade, says pretty clearly he wasn’t. Nowadays there’s even a “Cronkite Award”, a sort of IndieCade-style fraud medal handed to cronies like this insufferable douchenozzle. It’s all good, Joseph “Yellow Sins” Pulitzer also has an award after him, the “Pulitzer Prize” For Great Journalism. Got that? The dude that went to his grave bitching about “yellow sins” has an award named after him For Great Journalism. Move Bullshit.
TL;DR: Modern Commercial Journolism is bullshit founded on bullshit that uses bullshit to disguise it’s true form as BULLSHIT.
Why am I mentioning this? Because, nowadays, the
myth bullshit is busted and everyone knows that journ0lists are bullshit.
Don’t take my word for it; take the polls.
This is from Gallup, last December. Here we learn (and get ready to roffle, folks XD):
-Newspaper Journ0lists are ahead of Lawyers by one point. TV Journ0lists are tied.
-They are both hated more than CEOs and Bankers. That’s pretty fucking amazing. XD
-They are ahead of Politicians and Used Car Salesmen only because those guys are such dogshit, even dogshit refuses to be associated. But let’s take this poll again after things like #GamerGate and President Obumbles’ furthering collapse conclude; it won’t be pretty. That’s what happens when you back the wrong horse.
Speaking of polls, there’s loads more, like this one from Pew. All play out the same; Journ0lists are in the cellars with Politicians, Lawyers, and Used Car Salesmen, as we always knew they were before their authoritarian bullshit flimflammery during the 20th century.
Remember Journ0lists, before you get upset and piss your pants like Jeff Gerstmann (more on this later), don’t take it out on me. I’m just the humble messenger. And besides, you guys like polls, right? XD It seems the people, as you like to frequently invoke, have spoken.
Besides, write an article or two if it makes you feel better. More weight, you little cumgargles.
Ok, so we proved that Journ0lists have a massive history of bullshit they won’t cop to, and are down there with Used Car Salesmen and Lawyers and Politicians. We also established that the Journ0list’s only weapon really is bullshit, so unless you actually believe the bullshit, they are also largely impotent; the Used Car Salesman could theoretically sell you a Pinto, that’s dangerous.
Now that we’ve done that, let’s blast apart the various losers behind this week’s smear campaign, starting with the Soft Sell losers first, then the Hard Sell losers like the New York Times and the Washington Post in another blog post/update.
THE SOFT SELL LOSERS:
We’ll start with GIANT WASTE OF SPACE first because Jeff Gerstmann has bladder-control issues and has to go to the bathroom, so we need to excuse him first (more on this later).
Ok, finally, about Jeff Gerstmann’s bladder problems: the bio of him on GIANT EMBARRASSMENT reads that he once peed in a movie theater. No really.
Once peed on a seat at a movie theatre during the 1992 movie “Singles”. His justification for this was that it was a bad movie. Requests to the theatre for comment went unanswered.
I remember actually reading about that from Gerstmann’s own dopey blog, during the Kane and Lynch controversy days. He thought that was pretty hilarious, IIRC.
So yeah. You are being lectured about harassment from a guy that publicly urinated on a movie theater seat.
You know, most women define a slob peeing on movie seats as total harassment. So do, say, their boyfriends and husbands, whom would probably whup Gerstmann’s sorry ass up and down the theater before calling the police.
More fun Gerstmann facts from the bio:
Thinks people who clapped at the E3 2010 Star Wars: The Old Republic trailer are “fuckin’ idiots”.
Carrie gave him her “bread maker” after she left San Fran. What that is a euphemism for remains a mystery.
Got punched one year at PAX.
Wants to have sex with a fish.
He’s into having sex, not making love.
“Damn girl, I’m gonna take you out back for a Grease Dance.”
“I’m always trying to find ways to expose myself to kids.”
There’s more drivel, but I’m bored already. But by the logic of the Social Jerkstice Warblers Gerstmann is defending, he should be Public Enemy #1, what with the “microaggressions” and references to a woman’s “bread maker”. “Likes boobs”? What a raging misteeoeogysinst this guy is.
In other words, a doofus hypocrite that should stick to peeing on movie seats. How come this guy gets to be “outrageous” while regular gamers are slammed by the Weasel Axis slobs as “rapists” and “fostering a culture of terror”?
Answer: he’s a Journ0list. In fact, he puts the “Yellow” in “Yellow Journ0list”.
Speaking of “fostering a culture of terror”, when he lamented Jenn Frank’s career and falsely accuses some mysterious menace of hounding her away, he, as too often with Journ0lists, fails to mention very relevant points such as Frank’s shady and hastily-footnoted article for The Guardian, her own bullying, and her own awful rhetoric like, oh I don’t know, “fostering a culture of terror”. Does the latter somehow not count as harassment and bullying?
Gerstmann’s sheeple defenders will no doubt barrel in and scream “KANE AND TEH LYNCH”; i.e. the time LameSpot fired him for a honest review about how sucky a particular game was. Except for two problems:
1. To my knowledge, it was never officially confirmed why Gerstmann was axed. CNET and LameSpot denied it having to do with the review, and the rest was he said/they said. They did, after all, PUBLISH his review. If #GamerGate’s claims are tenuous, then Gerstmann’s is pure vapor.
2. The guy bragged about peeing on seats in his blog. If he were my employee I’d fire him in two seconds after hearing about it, because four words: Future Sexual Harassment Lawsuit.
Exit quote of pure ironic stupidity (bold added for hilariousness):
But you might want to really look in the mirror and ask yourself if you’re spending your time crusading for the right fight. That’s all. Make sure this is the position you want to take and, more importantly, how you want that position to be represented. If you genuinely care about ethics in games journalism, GamerGate is not the spot for you. To some of them, “unethical” is being used as a synonym for “a viewpoint I don’t agree with.” That’s not an ethics discussion. That’s an attempt to silence criticism. Again, if you do care about ethics in games journalism, GamerGate is destroying your message.
These are the (notoriously corporate) losers that fired Gerstmann, so, next.
Ok ok, one quick thing, LameSpot, always very calculating and corporate, ulitmately never really gives a position. The “letter” just waffles everywhere, only really highlighting, again, nebulous claims of “harassment” without explaining what those charges are or even who they are targeted against. You are expected to either just believe or find out about this scourge of crimes yourself.
I will also give them that LameSpot allowed people to comment on the letter directly, unlike GIANT YELLOW STAIN and Polygoon, which forced commenters into their forums where no doubt armies of fanboys, trolls, and sockpuppets were waiting.
Otherwise ultimately boring, like LameSpot itself.
Exit quote of pure ironic stupidity (bold added for hilariousness):
We believe that gaming has a bright, inclusive future ahead of it, and the industry is strong and diverse enough to accommodate games and gamers of all types. However, the medium that all of us care for so much will only grow as long as we continue to treat people who make, play, and talk about video games with respect. Our own belief is that actions speak louder than words. We choose to lead by example — through the content we create, the staff we hire and the way we conduct ourselves — and to not feed the grotesque and appalling behaviour of some individuals. We are not planning further comment on this [until the heat’s on again! -Michael], but note that we will continue to reinforce our site’s zero tolerance policy for anything constituting harassment of our users, our staff, or indeed, anyone else, for doing nothing more than sharing an opinion or being different.
Saving the best (worst?) for last.
The Zoe Quinn scandal, which would’ve floored any other journ0list profession, is claimed in the letter to have been “debunked” by, of course, the very website at the center of that scandal. Of course.
The Patreon scandal, in where journ0lists and pet developer cronies hand each other cash monthly, is addressed in a few warbling sentences where denials, mea culpas, and stubbornness sort of mash together in what could only be described as mewling and sad.
#GamerGate is described as a “mob”, a favorite term for authoritarians along with “terrorists” and “subversives” (the Washington Post, oddly enough, also used that exact same word, “mob”; more on this later). Also used: a “wave of hate”, “violent misogynists”, and the like.
The GoBots GamerGate hashtag knock off gets a full paragraph, the only one of the three stooges to even mention it. Of course.
Multiple scandals fail to be addressed, such as GameJournoPros. Ars Whateverica was nice enough to admit “an error in judgement”; Polygoon dives out of the nearest window.
Obsessing over Adam Baldwin and attacking his gamer credentials for some reason; because nothing says “gamer” like the washed-up film critics that review games at Polygoon.
And, of course, #GamerGate was dodged by Polygoon because, it is explained, of a claimed “danger to our families”, despite by their own admission not having a problem covering harassment just days before the scandals. So much for Journ0listic courage; perhaps they can borrow some from Nero, who was chillingly mailed a syringe, one of many, many “harassment” episodes the #GG-side received and yet the Weasel Axis somehow always fails to mention.
The Zoe Quinn scandal is inexplicably mentioned again later (was it not “debunked”, genius?) in where it is now claimed that the journ0list “school of ethics” prevented coverage of the story, or: “Minimizing Harm”.
Oddly enough, “Minimizing Harm” fails to magically appear whenever one of the Weasel Axis goes overboard with their McCarthyite tactics, or outrageous rhetoric like, oh I don’t know, “wave of hate”. “Minimizing Harm” you would think involves not calling others “mobs” or “fostering a culture of terror”. But that’s over this dingus’ head.
By the way, the idea of Journ0lists, whom are more hated than CEOs and Bankers, lugging around a “School of Ethics” book is pretty hilarious. XD I imagine it makes a great paperweight at Polygoon HQ.
The rest of the letter is more funny than phony. For example, the Polygoon actually links to BuzzFeed’s own Code of Ethics, which is not only hilarious in it’s own right, it’s also, no joke, in listicle form. XD Sigh..
But here’s the kicker; here’s where the truth FINALLY comes out in this whole sordid mess of a “letter”:
They say they want politics out of video game coverage? OK, now we’re getting somewhere.
By politics, the voices calling for ethics reform really mean “progressive” politics. The so-called corruption that needs to be rooted out is a focus on “diversity” and the “magnitude of the human experience.” It should be no surprise that the outlets and voices specifically targeted by GamerGate are progressive. Baldwin was the first of several notable opportunists who, despite caring little for video games or video game culture, were more than happy to contribute to any movement that counted “SJWs” — that’s “social justice warriors,” for those of you out of the loop — as enemies. That “social justice warrior” is considered a pejorative at all speaks volumes about the motivations behind much of GamerGate and its fixation on progressive voices.
If GamerGate simply wants a conservative counter to what they consider a left-leaning gaming press, I think that’s great! That’s healthy! You don’t have to like the way we or any other outlet cover video games. If you truly believe there’s an army of people who reject “progressive” voices and outlets like Polygon and Kotaku, or who would prefer coverage “just about the games,” then I’d encourage you to start a new site for those readers. There’s no easier or better time to do it.
Whoops. Cat’s out of the bag, dingus. In other words, you confirmed that gaming press is for the Totally Not Orwellianly Named “Progressives” only, or in other words:
1. Prog-assives only; all those of any other political persuasion, go away
2. Prog-assives only; all those that care just about videogames and not personal soapboxes, go away
3. The gaming press, or at least our Weaselly end of it, are “left-leaning”, meaning, #1 and #2 will not change.
Advertisers read the above, and see Polygoon BRAGGING about driving away eyeballs, including those that are “just about the games”, and are no doubt grinding their teeth. They didn’t book months of coverage for their product to watch Polygoon tell a massive swath of customers to fuck off and “start a new site”.
You can’t make this up. XD
This is why you never,
ever give a fuck what these or any Journ0lists say. “Lower than Bankers, Dude”.
Exit quote of pure ironic stupidity (bold added for hilariousness):
[THE WHOLE DAMN THING]
THE HARD SELL LOSERS